Random — No comments
7
Feb 10

Mass defect

SECURE TRANSMISSION FROM SYSTEMS ALLIANCE EXTRANET

From Systems Alliance Academy
To Admiral Steven Hackett
Subject Re: Private Andrew Shepard

SHEPARD_ANDREW_1988230.JYL

Admiral,

As per your request, here’s everything we have on Shepard. As you can see, his record is spotless. He is mentally capable, physically perfect and a natural leader. He’s set a dozen new records at the shooting range, and has even shown skill in handling tech abilities and biotics.

He’s the perfect soldier, and has a bright future here at the Alliance.

There’s, uh, just one problem. On the assault course, he’s been having some ‘difficulties’ with the climbing obstacles. When he approaches one, he slides towards it and crouches beside it for cover. Then he climbs over it. We can’t figure out if this has some tactical purpose, or whether it’s a psychological tick. He won’t say. It doesn’t affect his performance: it’s just mental.

But bizarre quirks aside, I cannot recommend Shepard enough for whatever you and Captain Anderson have planned.

Let me know if you need me to pull any more files.

Thank you.

Morgan Pike
Academy Administration
San Francisco
Local Cluster, Earth

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6
Feb 10

Cleaning

Today I spent an hour untangling all the wires behind the TV, hoovering the entire area, dusting all the surfaces, then returning everything back to where it was – but a bit neater than before. Yesterday I dusted the tops of all my books and alphabetised my Xbox 360 games. Tomorrow I might alphabetise my DVDs.

I fucking love cleaning, and I don’t know why. There’s very little that relaxes me as much as listening to 6 Music and doing a bit of hardcore dusting. The reason could be deep-seated and psychological. Like I’m trying to compensate for my chaotic and unorganised life by creating order in my surroundings. Or maybe I’m just easily amused, and my life is so uneventful that getting the vacuum cleaner out of the cupboard has become a noteworthy event. Whatever it is, I’m obsesed.

AK

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5
Feb 10

The world’s worst sounds

- The shriek of a ringing telephone. Absolutely maddening – especially when you’re in the office trying to work, and the bastards are chirping all around you. Or you’re in the middle of a conversation and the other person’s phone suddenly pipes up, butting in and halting the discussion. Intrusive plastic bastards.

- Sport on the telly. The moronic din of the crowd, the chanting, the non-stop commentary. Puts me right on edge. Even worse is men talking about sport. For some reason they feel the need to TALK REALLY LOUDLY at each other about ALL THE BLOODY SPORT. The other day I was in the toilets at work, and there was a sport discussion going on. One of the guys went to dry his hands, and he started speaking EVEN LOUDER over the wail of the hand dryer. Absolute ear hell.

- People clattering pots and pans about. I swear, whenever someone’s doing the dishes in my house it sounds like they’re kicking them around the kitchen. How can scrubbing a pot then placing it in a drying rack generate so much NOISE? This one’s doubly annoying when you’re hungover.

AK

Articles — 1 comment
4
Feb 10

Pitch like a pro

I’m a features editor, and part of my job is recruiting new writers. I receive a dozen pitches a week from prospective freelancers, and 90% of them end up in the recycling bin. And it’s not because I’m cruel-hearted, or I don’t care. It’s because people don’t use their initiative. So if you’re thinking of pitching to a magazine in the near future, take the following tips to heart. Because it could mean the difference between you receiving a fat commission, and your e-mail being slung on the arsepile.

1. Know exactly who you’re pitching to

I regularly receive ideas that are totally unsuitable for the magazine. The kind of feature we would never run, and never have. Why? Because the person sending them doesn’t read the magazine. They don’t care about the publication; they’re just trying to secure a commission from anyone who’ll entertain them.

If you’ve no specific desire to write for a magazine, an editor can tell instantly. And that’s not the kind of person I want as a contributor. There’s something decidedly half-arsed about shopping the same ideas around to several magazines at once, even though each one has its own distinct style and remit.

2. Ditch the formalities

Don’t start your e-mail with ‘dear sir’, or write about yourself like you’re filling out a CV. You’re not applying for a job. Just introduce yourself, provide some samples of your writing and get on with pitching your ideas. When I’m looking for a writer, personality is everything. If you come across like you’ve got a stick up your chute, I’m less likely to be interested in what you have to say.

3. Don’t make stupid mistakes

I’ve seen it all. Spelling errors in the first line. Bits left in from the last editor they sent their ideas to (‘Prior to our phone call earlier’… Wait, what phone call?). People getting the name of the magazine wrong. If you must copy and paste the same e-mail and send it to multiple people, at least add a personalised sentence or two. But even then, if you don’t really know who we are, or what we’re about, why bother?

If you can’t get an e-mail right, how are you going to be able to stick to a commission? I need my contributors to be dynamic and intuitive. To take my instructions, then turn in words that not only follow the initial plan, but excel it. I want fast-thinking, talented writers. Not someone who can’t spell ‘PlayStation’.

Remember: you’re writing for a magazine that’s translated into a dozen languages and circulated worldwide. not some two-bit blog. Your copy has to be solid.

4. Learn about magazines

A feature isn’t just a big chunk of body copy. This isn’t the internet, where text is slung into a characterless template with a few token screenshots. You have to think about structure and visuals. About boxouts and where everything’s going to fit on the page. You need to accompany your copy with directions for the art team, and have a clear vision of what you want the feature to be.

Read magazines. Look at how features are constructed. Think about how it’s going to open, and how it’s paced. And there’s more to features than having one idea, then writing 1,500 words about it from your own perspective. A feature is not an opinion column. You need to back your points up with evidence, or appropriate quotes. Contact developers, secure your own soundbites. Don’t just copy and paste them from Kotaku. Make your own content. You’re getting paid for this shit, remember?

5. Be a good writer

You’d be surprised how many people can’t even get this bit right.

AK

Disclaimer: I am not an expert. This is just my opinion.

I’m a features editor, and part of my job is recruiting new writers. I receive a dozen pitches a week from prospective freelancers, and 90% of them end up in the recycling bin. And it’s not because I’m cruel-hearted, or I don’t care. It’s because people don’t use their initiative. So if you’re thinking of pitching to a magazine in the near future, take the following tips to heart. Because it could mean the difference between you receiving a fat commission, and your e-mail being slung on the arsepile.

1. Know exactly who you’re pitching to

I regularly receive ideas that are totally unsuitable for the magazine. The kind of feature we would never run, and never have. Why? Because the person sending them doesn’t read the magazine. They don’t care about the publication; they’re just trying to secure a commission from anyone who’ll entertain them.

If you’ve no specific desire to write for a magazine, an editor can tell instantly. And that’s not the kind of person I want as a contributor. There’s something decidedly half-arsed about shopping the same ideas around to several magazines at once, even though each one has its own distinct style and remit.

2. Ditch the formalities

Don’t start your e-mail with ‘dear sir’, or write about yourself like you’re filling out a CV. You’re not applying for a job. Just introduce yourself, provide some samples of your writing and get on with pitching your ideas. When I’m looking for a writer, personality is everything. If you come across like you’ve got a stick up your chute, I’m less likely to be interested in what you have to say.

3. Don’t make stupid mistakes

I’ve seen it all. Spelling errors in the first line. Bits left in from the last editor they sent their ideas to (‘Prior to our phone call earlier’… Wait, what phone call?). People getting the name of the magazine wrong. If you must copy and paste the same e-mail and send it to multiple people, at least add a personalised sentence or two. But even then, if you don’t really know who we are, or what we’re about, why bother?

If you can’t get an e-mail right, how are you going to be able to stick to a commission? I need my contributors to be dynamic and intuitive. To take my instructions, then turn in words that not only follow the initial plan, but excel it. I want fast-thinking, talented writers. Not someone who can’t spell ‘PlayStation’.

Remember: you’re writing for a magazine that’s translated into a dozen languages and circulated worldwide. not some two-bit blog. Your copy has to be solid.

3. Learn about magazines

A feature isn’t just a big chunk of body copy. This isn’t the internet, where text is slung into a characterless template with a few token screenshots. You have to think about structure and visuals. About boxouts and where everything’s going to fit on the page. You need to accompany your copy with directions for the art team, and have a clear vision of what you want the feature to be.

Read magazines. Look at how features are constructed. Think about how it’s going to open, and how it’s paced. And there’s more to features than having one idea, then writing 1,500 words about it from your own perspective. A feature is not an opinion column. You need to back your points up with evidence, or appropriate quotes. Contact developers, secure your own soundbites. Don’t just copy and paste them from Kotaku. Make your own content.

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3
Feb 10

Desk (Home)

In  front of me there is a Hewlett-Packed laptop, running Windows Vista. Attached to it is a Microsoft wireless optical mouse and an 8gb Sandisk media player. Flanking the computer are two Logic3 SoundStation speakers. To my right there’s a black cordless BT telephone charging in its dock and a stuffed Totoro, from the Hayao Miyazaki film My Neighbour Totoro. Behind the laptop there’s a shelf, and a row of books. Immediately in front of me I can see Cormac McCarthy’s No Country For Old Men, Rich Fulcher’s Tiny Acts of Rebellion, volume one of Bob Dylan’s autobiography and David Mitchell’s Cloud Atlas. Also on the shelf there is a container of Sure deodorant, which I bought earlier this evening.

Above the books there is a cork notice board. Pinned to it, among other things, is a TV license reminder letter, a ticket for last year’s All Tomorrow’s Parties festival and a slip of paper I found inside a fortune cookie saying ‘From small beginnings great things come’. I don’t know why I kept it. Above the notice board there’s another shelf, this time stacked with rows of DVDs. But seeing which ones are immediately in front of me would mean standing up, and I really don’t want to.

By my feet there’s a copy of Edge magazine with Halo: Reach on the cover and a plastic wallet containing every episode of Seinfeld on DVD. To my right there’s a MIDI controller keyboard propped up against the wall and an electric radiator. There’s also a window, but the shutters are closed, so I can’t see outside. To my left there’s a Toshiba HD television displaying the pause screen for Mass Effect 2 and an Xbox 360 controller, which has switched itself off due to inactivity. On the ceiling is a spotlight, which is currently switched off.

AK

Random — 1 comment
2
Feb 10

Desk (Work)

In front of me there’s a brand new iMac. Attached to it via USB is a white Mac keyboard and a Microsoft mouse liberated from an old PC, because I prefer right-clicking to access function menus. Next to the iMac there is a telephone. It’s a Panasonic KX-T2365E according to the label on the back, and it looks like it’s from the early 1990s. It probably is. To my right there’s a plastic tube, which once housed a UNIQLO t-shirt. It’s now filled with roughly £2 in loose change – mostly coppers.

Beside it, there is a green folder filled with old meeting notes from 2006. I haven’t used it since then, but having a ring binder on my desk gives the illusion that I’m organised. Further to the right there are seven black plastic magazine racks, filled with back issues of the magazine I write for. They aren’t in any particular order, although newer issues have gravitated naturally to the far left.

Beside the magazine racks there is a desk fan, which I received six years ago during a particularly hot summer in our old office, which was above a Thai restaurant. Beneath it there is a fruit bowl, which contains no fruit: rather a red and white checked scarf and a pair of Philips SHE9503/00 in-ear headphones. To the left of the iMac there’s a half-empty bottle of water from the office water cooler. There is also a window, through which I can see a railway bridge, a river and many tall trees. It is raining. Above me there are some ceiling tiles. Possibly plastic. There’s also a smoke detector, and a cube of neon lights. I am sitting on an office chair with red upholstery and wheels. It’s currently in the upright position.

AK

Random — 4 comments
1
Feb 10

Quit it

Quit taking 6,000 identical photos on a night out of you and your friends standing in a group, then posting every single one on Facebook in an album called ‘random’.

Quit telling people you’re a games journalist because you’ve written a few articles, for free, for a website. I made some pasta earlier at home – does that make me an Italian chef?

Quit ringing the office with anything work related between the hours of 1 and 2pm. In almost every workplace in the world, this is clearly designated as lunch time. Why would we be different?

Quit copying and pasting charmless, overly formal introductory e-mails to section editors when you’re looking for freelance work. We can tell. And at least try and provide samples that match the style of the magazine. What am I going to do with a pretentious 5,000 word feature about Japanese shoot-’em-ups?

Quit motioning for me to remove my headphones unless you’ve got something incredibly important to say. Having headphones in should be the international symbol for ‘get out of my face’.

Quit setting your Xbox LIVE profile to private. What possible harm can there be in someone seeing what Achievements you have? It’s not as if an identity thief’s going to use your details to pretend they’ve found all the feathers in Assassin’s Creed 2, is it?

Quit reclining your seat on the plane the moment the seatbelt signs go off after take off. Doubly so when you’ve the temerity to do it without asking or apologising to the person behind you.

Quit treating your pets like they’re human beings. They’re not. They’re sentient shitting machines.

Quit writing half-arsed list blogs about trifling, miniscule things you hate, but that don’t really matter in the grand scheme of things, you snivelling ponce.

AK

Random — 1 comment
31
Jan 10

Great video game music #1

Game music is something of a lost art. As film becomes a more significant influence on developers, the majority of modern soundtracks are comprised entirely of blaring orchestras. Can you remember any of the music from Modern Warfare or Uncharted? Of course not. But you might remember some of the tracks listed below. They’re examples of how good scoring can be as integral to a game’s atmosphere as visuals or storytelling, without relying on licensed music or aping blockbuster movie composers.

Masashi Hamauzu & Junya Nakano
‘Besaid Island’ (Final Fantasy X)

This was the first major Final Fantasy title not to be scored by long-time composer Nobuo Uematsu. Hamauzu and Nakano’s score gave the tenth chapter in the series a contemporary edge, while still retaining Uematsu’s trademark ear for simple, but infectious, melody. Besaid Island is the highlight of the soundtrack: beautifully minimalist, and perfectly suited to the tranquil island setting it accompanied.

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Jack Wall & Sam Hulick
‘Vigil’ (Mass Effect)

This haunting track plays over Mass Effect’s title screen, and immediately sets the tone for the game’s stylish, sophisticated sci-fi. Clearly inspired by Vangelis’ Blade Runner soundtrack, it’s an example of a video game composer taking cues from a movie in a worthwhile way.

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Akira Yamaoka
‘Alone In The Town’ (Silent Hill 2)

Yamaoka cites David Lynch collaborator Angelo Badalamenti as a major influence. This is particularly evident in his score for Silent Hill 2, which combines ’50s guitars with muted synthesizers. Understated tracks like this – which reflect the ‘normal’ version of the town – are in contrast to the ominous, aggressive industrial metal of the tainted Otherworld. You can listen to the whole soundtrack on Spotify.

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Yu Miyake & Kahimi Karie
‘Blue Orb’ (We Love Katamari)

The music in the Katamari series is incredibly broad in scope. Covering all possible genres, sound director Yu Miyake collaborates with a huge number of Japanese singers, musicians and electronic artists to create each soundtrack. This track showcases the fractured glitch-pop sound that typifies the series, with hushed, dreamy vocals by Shibuya-kei singer Kahimi Karie.

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AK

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30
Jan 10

Mass Effect 2: Shep Harder

Today I pretended to be a starship commander for nearly eleven consecutive hours. As a result, I’m finding it difficult to think about anything outside of the Terminus Systems. So here’s a disappointing, spoiler-free blog about what I think so far, presented in a handy (read: lazy) list format.

– The first game was almost entirely serious, but the sequel has a much more anarchic sense of humour. Like Shepard drinking himself unconscious and waking up hungover on a toilet floor, or Hamlet being performed by droning elcor actors. It doesn’t sit well with the general tone of the game a lot of the time, but I don’t mind these brief forays into humour too much.

- The side missions are a welcome diversion. I also like how some of them link together – like the trio of missions about the virus-infected mechs. The environments are smaller, but these self-contained story arcs and meaningful objectives are a galaxy apart from the drab Mako exploration of the first game.

- Shepard. Dancing. In full combat gear. Ridiculous.

- Your limited access to the Citadel makes it feel disappointingly small. With only a few wards to explore, and one room of the embassy, the sensation of being in the teeming cultural centre of the galaxy is lost.

- Its use of lighting is up there with BioShock – in Omega especially. The way characters are draped in shadow, or lit by dingy neon, gives the whole thing  a really nice filmic, noir feel.

AK

Random — 1 comment
29
Jan 10

Chaos theory

I’ve decided to watch The Wire again.

Because when I was first getting into it, I spent most of my time trying to remember who all the characters were. But now that I know them all intimately, I’m free to focus entirely on the storyline. And there’s so much that passed me by the first time around, I feel kind of embarrassed.

And I noticed something.

Every major event in the first series of The Wire can be attributed one minor, never seen character: the low-rise hopper who scrawled D’Angelo Barksdale’s pager number on the wall of the stash house.

If he hadn’t, Freamon would never have noted it down, the detail would never have cloned D’Angelo’s pager, and they never would have gotten  ‘up’ on the pay phones – they key to the entire Barksdale case.

Think about it.

AK

Random — 9 comments
28
Jan 10

Coke head

As I type this, I am drinking a can of Diet Coke. I am always drinking a can of Diet Coke.

And it has to be a can. It doesn’t taste the same when it comes in a plastic bottle.

I’m aware of how bad Diet Coke is for you, regardless of its misleading name. Sure, there’s no sugar – just vast quantities of dangerous chemicals. But I can’t stop drinking it.

Whenever I go shopping, I subconsciously pick up a six pack. Whenever I eat, I think “Man, I could go a nice, cold Diet Coke right about now.” And if there aren’t any in the fridge, I get genuinely upset.

I am addicted. At the end of each week, my recycling bin is almost entirely red and silver. If I go a few days without one, I’m pretty sure I get headaches. The only time I can’t face drinking one is when I’m hungover.

Is there a methadone programme for soft drinks? There should be. Maybe some lightly caffeinated water.

AK

Random — 8 comments
27
Jan 10

Opinions

Everyone’s got an opinion, and everyone thinks you want to hear it.

Look outside. See that guy walking down the street listening to his iPod? He’s got an opinion. His head is full of them. About the merits of Hot Chip, or how the Haiti relief is being handled. About whether Macs are better than PCs, or if Avatar really was just a load of shallow-but-pretty, overinflated rubbish.

And when he gets home he’s going to load up WordPress and blog about it. Then he’s going to make you read it. And you’re going to briefly glance over it, ignore it, then leave a token comment to make him think you’re interested. “Good point, man!” you’ll say, almost subconsciously. Then you’ll load up WordPress and start typing up your own take on the matter.

Whenever you read an opinion column or a blog, it serves two purposes:

1. It mirrors an opinion you hold, making you feel better about yourself, confirming that – yes! –you were right all along. Your opinion really was the right one. Because someone else thinks the same thing.

2. You disagree, and immediately feel a sense of overwhelming superiority. “Hah! He thinks that? He is so wrong, and by reflection I am so right!”

But nobody ever reads an opinion and thinks “You know what? I was wrong all along. I’m going to change my opinion.” Because human beings are pig-headed, stubborn and utterly obsessed with themselves.

Yeah, even you. And me. And that guy with the iPod. Especially him.

Right now, millions of bloggers and columnists for two-bit tech websites are sat outside a conference hall, furiously tapping out their take on Apple’s new Git Slate on postage stamp-sized netbooks. Because one opinion isn’t enough. No, sir – we have to see the same event from a million different perspectives. A billion photos of the same press conference from a thousand different cameras. Blurry videos on YouTube. Tweets. WE MUST HAVE YOUR OPINION ON THIS MATTER.

And that’s my opinion on people having opinions.

HYPOCRISY

AK

Articles — 3 comments
26
Jan 10

Everything is broken #2

Number 2 – The internet

Advertising

Somewhere there’s a guy with perfectly straight, white teeth, a six pack that he developed in just two weeks and a penis the size of an ichthyosaur. But for the rest of us, these grotty low-res banner ads – with their comically preposterous promises and clearly fabricated photos – are a blot on the landscape of the internet. And their continued existence can only amount to one dire truth: people actually fall for this shit. I mean, my teeth are still yellow. And my penis hasn’t grown an inch. LOL!!1!1

Cowards

Wherever you go online, there’s always some bastard cowering behind a smokescreen of anonymity. And it’s from beneath this cover that their true personality emerges, shrieking and bloody, like some demonic foetus. Whether it’s forum trolls, cynical bloggers or people leaving sneering comments on the websites of people they don’t like, they’re everywhere, stinking the place up with their wretched, spineless, spiteful bile.

Portal sites

Websites that generate thousands of empty template pages packed with meta data designed to fool Google into thinking they have actual content, rather than a whirlpool of Chinese banner ads.

Spotify adverts

I wouldn’t mind the interruptions, if it wasn’t for the atrocious quality of every commercial. I’m convinced they’re designed by committee to be as annoying as possible; especially Spotify’s own in-house ones. Whenever a member of staff speaks in that see-through, matey way that they do, they’re always way too close to the microphone. This makes them instantly louder than any song you might have been enjoying, and their voice ‘pops’ infuratingly with every syllable. But I will never, ever pay, so their subliminal attempts to madden me into doing so are wasted. You hear that, Roberta? DO YOU?

News aggregators

This one is aimed specifically at games industry aggregator sites. On these things, anything is deemed worthy of making the front page. ‘Billy from BumGamer reviews Mass Effect 2!’, ‘PS3 is a bit shit, says Zach Gregowicz of GameTit!’, ‘Grand Theft Auto sequel expected say GamezPortal!’. THIS IS NOT NEWS. News is not an opinion, or the moronic speculation of some pissant blog. News is something that’s been confirmed, either by research or an official source.

AK

Random — 1 comment
25
Jan 10

Deadline

Tonight where my thoughts should be, there is nothing. Just an echoing, white void. An unfurnished bedsit in the null dimension. And I’m sitting in the middle of it, sallow and expressionless, one one of those vinyl chairs from the ’70s you find in dentist waiting rooms.

It feels a bit like the screensaver in my brain has come on. Because we’ve just hit deadline at work and an avalanche of words awaits me tomorrow. When we finish, someone will nudge the mouse and I’ll snap back to life. Or at least a vague approximation of it.

It’s a routine I’ve grown accustomed to. Working on a magazine with a small team means regular late nights and a fraught office atmosphere. Moods sour, mistakes happen. And because you’re so focused and starved for time, your diet becomes almost entirely pizza-based.

The human body wasn’t designed for this. For sitting beneath neon strip lighting fifteen hours a day, breathing processed air, peering into a glowing screen, shovelling pizza into your filthy hole. It leaves me irritated, my skin dry and my head aching. But complaining is trite. After all, I could be back in IKEA doing the night shift, counting pillows.

So shut up, me.

AK

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24
Jan 10

Dodging a bullet

Today I spent nearly two hours putting together this new network page.

So consider this my ‘one’. If your face is currently a silhouette, that’s because I couldn’t find  a photo of your lovely head. If you like you can send me one and I’ll update the page accordingly.

And please, get more people involved.

AK

Random — 1 comment
23
Jan 10

Going out

I’ve just agreed to meet some friends in the pub, and I have to leave in about 15 minutes. It was a last minute decision, and one that’s basically destroyed my chances of posting anything meaningful or vaguely interesting for today’s #oneaday.

I could wait until I get back and write it drunk. But I’ve written blogs drunk before, and they’ve always ended up the melodramatic witterings of a maniac. So I’m doing a short one now. A complete cop out.

It was situations like this that destroyed my last attempt at a #oneaday. I’m generally quite impulsive, and it’s the only major hurdle of me finishing this fucking project. But I’ll be damned if I fail again, so here ye go; a token paragraph of utter shite to mask the fact that I’m making a mockery of the project and everything it stands for. I’ll force myself to write something bigger tomorrow, as a kind of penance.

AK

Random — 2 comments
22
Jan 10

Cruelty

There’s a lot I admire about Japanese game design, but playing Bayonetta last night, I was reminded of something that I’ve always had a problem with: medals. After an early boss battle, in which I furiously strung together combos until my fingers ached, the end of verse screen granted me a bronze medal. Bronze? BRONZE? It felt like Hideki Kamiya had come over and shat on my carpet.

I thought my performance was masterful. I was using all of Bayonetta’s techniques, evading every attack. But no. My efforts were worth only a trifling bronze medal.

This is the same archaic archetype of Eastern game design that puts me off Devil May Cry. I understand the benefit of the system. It urges you to replay chapters, to try and improve your score and further master the intricacies of the combat. But I find it totally dispiriting.

Maybe I’m too coddled by Western games with their endless encouragement and fear of letting the player die, in case they get bored and go play something else. The more I play Bayonetta, the more I appreciate how much of an arsehole it is.

But come on… BRONZE?

AK

Uncategorized — 2 comments
21
Jan 10

Fonts

Articles — 5 comments
20
Jan 10

The pitch

From dave@bignamepublisher.com
To tony@bumsoft.com
Subject Re: New action IP

Tony,

I love it. This is exactly what we were looking for. Great idea, especially that thing about the magic seals. Really clever stuff.

We’ll talk prelim budgets over lunch. I’m thinking 3 mil.

Best,

Dave

- – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – -

From tony@bumsoft.com
To dave@bignamepublisher.com
Subject New action IP

Dave,

Me and the guys at Bumsoft have been busy working on those ideas we talked about for a new blockbuster action franchise. Here’s our proposal.

“WARRIOR SPIRIT”

THE STORY

Norway, the year 790 BC. You are ASBJORN HRFANKEL, a brave viking warrior with a BIG SCAR on your face. After returning from the forest (you were hunting boar), you see your village IN FLAMES. The perpetrators are DEMONS (based on NORSE MYTHOLOGY) and they have killed (and RAPED) your dear wife, MUUURTINKA.

GAMEPLAY

ASBJORN HRFANKEL uses a VIKING AXE (it’s magic) as his main weapon. He can also use ANCIENT SPELLS, granted to him by a BJORGOTH the VIKING WIZARD. These let you conjure up different elements, like FIRE and ICE and WATER. You will then combine COMBINATIONS of attacks with the VIKING AXE (it’s magic) and the SPELLS, by alternating between tapping the face and shoulder buttons.

LEVEL DESIGN

In each level, ASBJORN HRFANKEL will be PREVENTED FROM CONTINUING FORWARD by a MAGIC SEAL. To make the MAGIC SEAL disappear, you will have to defeat all the ENEMIES (DEMONS) (based on NORSE MYTHOLOGY) in the level. When you do, you will be able to continue forward to find your beloved MUUURTINKA.

Sometimes you will fight large DEMONS (based on NORSE MYTHOLOGY), but the gameplay will not change. It will seem as if you are doing something spectacular, but really it’s just more ALTERNATING between SPELLS and your VIKING AXE (it’s magic). But players will not mind because they will be too busy looking at the NICE GRAPHICS and ELABORATE CAMERA ANGLES and listening to the ORCHESTRAL MUSIC.

UPGRADE SYSTEM

When ASBJORN HRFANKEL kills an enemy (DEMON) (NORSE MYTHOLOGY), special ORBS will be released. You can then SUCK THEM IN (you have a magic gauntlet) (BJORGOTH gave you it) and use them to INCREASE YOUR HEALTH BAR and YOUR MAGIC BAR.

Those are the basics.

We really think ASBJORN HRFANKEL has a lot of potential. We’re still working on the design, but so far he has that scar we mentioned earlier, plus a bit of armour that glows. His VIKING AXE also has a skull on it.

We’re in talks with the band Korn to write the theme song. Apparently the lead singer is really into NORSE MYTHOLOGY. Their song will give the historical content a contemporary edge.

Let me know what you think, and let’s do lunch.

Thanks,

Tony Taylor
Creative Director
Bumsoft Software

Random — 5 comments
19
Jan 10

Limitations

Video game developers can build entire cities.

Cities filled with moving traffic and teeming with individually-rendered pedestrians. And they can give these cities a functioning traffic light system, and make all the lights come on when it gets dark.

Video game developers can procedurally generate vast swathes of jungle and forest. They can create characters that transcend the uncanny valley and fool your brain into thinking they’re real.

They can apply physics to their worlds that make every object behave as it would in reality. Wood splinters, metal bends and glass shatters. And they can make it so that when it rains, puddles form on the ground and characters’ t-shirts cling to their bodies.

Video game developers can program enemies to flank you, or throw your grenades back at you. They can program them to learn your attack pattern, then exploit it.

They can make you fall in love with a cube, or engage you enough with their narrative that you cry literal tears. They can keep you up until 3 on a school night without you even realising it.

Video game developers. Is there anything they can’t do?

Well, yeah.

Video game developers can’t make two characters hold hands and make it look sincere. They can’t have two characters kiss without it looking like they’re just pressing their mouths clumsily together.

They can’t make a character drink from a bottle. And when a character goes to bed, they can’t make sheets look convincing in 3D, so they just have them lie on top of the sheets, fully clothed.

Video game developers can’t make characters hold small or delicate objects realistically.

They can’t figure out how to build a ‘wall’ of land around open world environments, so their cities usually end up floating mysteriously in the middle of a vast expanse of water.

And video game developers can’t render loads of individual enemy faces in first-person shooters, so they give them all identical futuristic helmets with glowing eyes.

Oh, video game developers.

You’ve got a long way to go.

AK

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